Angol kezdoknek: Három boszorkány Swatch órákat néznek. Melyik boszorkány nézi melyik Swatch órát? Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watch which swatch watch?
Angol haladóknak: Három nemileg átváltoztatott boszorkány három Swatch óra gombját nézi. Melyik nemileg átváltoztatott boszorkány nézi melyik Swatch óra gombját? Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watch which Swatch watch switch?
Angol profiknak: Három svájci boszorkány ribanc, kik nemileg átváltoztatottak szeretnének lenni, svájci Swatch óragombokat nézegetnek. Melyik svájci boszi ribanc, mely nemileg át szeretne változni, mely svájci Swatch óra gobmját nézi? Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, wish to watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?
>> Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: „Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?” The survey was a huge failure… In Africa they didn’t know what „food” meant. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what „honest” meant. In Western Europe they didn’t know what „shortage”meant. In China they didn’t know what „opinion” meant. In the Middle East they didn’t know what solution meant. In South America they didn’t know what „please” meant. And in the USA they didn’t know what „the rest of the world” meant.
(Vadkender) - What can there (Hol van a WC?) - Hole one a wait say? (Van két libám) - One Kate Lee bumm (Alkatrész) - All cut race (Hátsórész) - Hot show race (Kicsengetnek) - Kitchen get neck (Nyuszi van apród?) - New see one up road? (Van hatvankét kecském) - One hut one Kate catch came (Határozószó) - Hut are row Zoe saw (Hány varjú van a vetésen?) - How war you on avatation? (Szánkó) - Sun cow (Disznóól) - This no all (Két nomád tacskó van a bokron túl.) - Kate no mud touch cow one abock Ron tool. (Bírlak!) - Beer lack! (Szól anyu!) - Soul a new! (Tapéta.) - Tap eat a. (Fogpiszkáló.) - Fog peace call low. (Tépett varjú van a fán.) - Tape at war you one a fun.
It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our office in Hungary that offensive language is commonly used by our Hungarian speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and staff. All personnel will immediately adhere to the following rules:
1. Words like basszameg, a kurva eletbe, fasz and other such Expressions will not be tolerated or used for emphasis or dramatic effect, no matter how heated a discussion may become.
2. You will not say elbaszta when someone makes a mistake, or leszartak if you see someone being reprehended, or szar then a major mistake has been made. All forms and derivations of the verb szarni and baszni are utterly inappropriate and unacceptable in our environment.
3. No project manager, section head or administrator under any circumstances will be referred to as faszfej, genya, szarhazi or geci.
4. Lack of determination will not be referred to as seggfej nor will persons who lack initiative be referred to as beszari.
5. Unusual or creative ideas offered by management are not to be referred to as baromsagok.
6. Do not say baszogassa az anyukajat if somebody is persistent; do not add bazzzmeg, if a colleague is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, you must not say elbasztuk (refer to item 2) nor erre ra fogunk baszni when a matter becomes excessively complicated.
7. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say menj a picsaba nor should you ever substitute "May I help you?" with, mi a faszt akarsz?".
8. Under no circumstances should you ever call your elderly industrial partners rohadt beszallitok.
9. Do not say menjenek a picsaba ezzel a szarral when a relevant project is presented to you, or should you ever answer lofasz a seggedbe when your assistance is required.
10. You should never call partner representatives as rohadt dog or barom allat.
11. The sexual behavior of our staff is not to be discussed in terms such as dogos picsa, kocsog allat or buzi homokos.
12. Last but not least, after reading this note, please do not say kitorlom a seggem ezzel a szoveggel!
A hippie on a city bus notices a young, attractive nun sitting across from him. He tells her that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, and he asks her to dinner.
The nun declines, but the persistent hippie invites her for 'a roll in the hay.' The nun, of course, declines the offer and quickly gets off at the next stop.
Soon, the rejected hippie strikes up a conversation with the bus driver. The driver leans over to the hippie and says, "She takes this bus every Thursday at six o'clock to the local cemetery where she prays for about an hour. You two could be alone there..."
The hippie grows excited as he thinks of a plan.
Thursday comes and the hippie waits by the entrance to the cemetery. Sure enough, at six o'clock, the nun arrives at the cemetery. She kneels by a headstone and clasps her hands in prayer.
The eager hippie opens his knapsack and puts on his costume - a long flowing, white robe and a bearded face mask. He approaches the nun and tosses a handful of glitter at her.
"My child," he says in a soft voice, "It is I, your Lord. You have been such a faithful servant to me. I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience."
The nun gasps, "Oh... well... could you take me from behind? That way I can still consider myself a virgin.
My vow of celibacy is important to me."
The hippie, eager to get it on, nods and takes the nun in his arms. He turns her around, bends her over, and performs anal sex until they are both pleasantly worn out.
After they are done the deed, the hippie pulls off his mask and exclaims, "Ha, ha, I'm the hippie from the bus!"
The nun responds by taking off her mask and exclaiming, "Ha, ha, I'm the bus driver!
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw,
> and spots another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise
> makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language.
>
> He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and
> moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st
> floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.
> The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and
> shouts, " What the fuck is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a
> handsaw!"
> The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm
> coming."
Conversation heard between George W. Bush and Condileeza Rice
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
A panda enters the bar, sits at the table, and orders for a sandwich. Then he takes his pistol and shoots the waiterr. Then he stands up and walks to the exit.
- What have you done? - asks the boss - You shot my favourite waiter!
- Hey I am a panda! Look it up in the dictionary!
The boss opens the dictionary and reads the following:
I've seen yesterday a show in the austrian tv, and i liked very much this "joke":
The black guy who was the showman:
You know my friends, lots of people lives in the world white, black, yellow, pakistans and all are different except one thing: All we came from Nunáni and that's why most of us want to visit this place again as often as possible.
Hmm... Of course, I buggered it up...
Anyway, it works, if you say it...
This one has really happened:
University, English department. Drama special course exam, with special emphasis on philosophy. The teacher comes out of the room and asks my friend who's waiting for his turn:
'Well, are you interested in Kant, or Nietzsche?'
The answer:
'I'm interested in cunt, but not in Nietzsche.'
Two men in a pub.
One:"I think my wife is dead..."
Two:"Why do you think it?"
One:"Well... in bed eveything is like usuall. but the kitchen looks like hell since three days..."
USA nyelvlecke:
Ha kolat akarsz megrendelni, akkor mondd: GIMI E KOK
Ha kolat es sutemenyt akarsz, akkor: KOK END DOUNAT
Ha faj valamid, akkor: FAK
Ha az uzletben latsz valami nagyon dragat, akkor: FAK
Ha valaki megtamad teged, akkor: FAK
Ha latsz egy szep lanyt az utcan, akkor: VATA FAK
Ha valaki azt mondja neked, hogy: FAK erre megfelelo
valasz:
FAKJU TUU
Ha elveszited a dokumentumokat, akkor: AJ LOSZT MAJ
FAKING PEJPERSZ
Ha halni akarsz valakivel, akkor: AJ UANA FAK WIT JU albo
HAJ, KEN AJ FOKJU
Ha keresel egy taxit, akkor: HAV TU GET A FAKING KAB
Ha valami nem mukodik, akkor: FAK DAT SIT
Ha valaki idegesit teged, akkor: ARJU FAKING WIT MI?
Ha ez nem eleg, akkor: VAT DA FAK JU WONT?
Amikor egy oreg neni ker, hogy segitsd az utca mas
oldolara,
akkor
(zarujelben magyar forditas): AR JU FAKING SZTJUPID BICS?
[persze!
termeszetesen!]
GIMI E KILO FOKING EJPLSZ, MOTERFOKOR [Kerek egy kilot
abbol a szep almabol]
Mikor kerik a jegyet ellenorzesre: AR JU FOKING KREJZI ESZHÓ
L?
[termeszetesen, tessek, itt van!]
Mikor egy dugoban allunk es vitatkozunk a kozlekeseben
reszt
vevo mas
szemyelygepkocsivezetovel: VAN MOR WORD AND AJL GET
JOR FAKING ESSZ AUT FROM
DA KAR END FAK AP HIR JU NESZTI MADERFAKING BICS [
kerem, ne legyen
ideges,mert ez nem segithet a helyzeten]
Amikor valami rossz tortenik: OU SIT, FAK FAK FAK FAK
FAAAAAAAK! [azt a
mindenit!]
Amikor egy fekete hajlektalan penzt ker toled: GET DA FAK
AUT OF HIR BIFOR
AJL KIK JO MADERFAKING SIT ESSZ [bocsanat, de nincs
aprom]
